crunch

on monday november 22nd i found myself in a skaters glide across an icy road just a mere block from our home. in that flashing moment as i realized that i wouldn't make the halt at my stop sign i was faced with a choice... same as the choice where i decided not to bring any kids with me on my errand to bring turkey and pies to the episcopal church, same as the choice when i decided not to fasten my seatbelt, same as the choice i made to go to fred meyer instead of walmart or albertsons, same as the choice to wear a hat and no coat... but with this choice that allowed me only seconds to decide, i had to determine what would save my life and the life of the driver of the red one ton dulley headed at high speed straight in my direction.  i made the choice to gun it through the crossroad in hopes that he would miss me altogether.  i braced myself in a tight grip around my steering wheel almost relieved in that breathe where i thought i had made it unscathed, until in an instant came the turbulent jarring crunch.  my body flung around inside the van like contained glitter in a snow globe, my head taking the worst of it as it hit the rear view mirror.  when all settled and became still, i started crying out into the white loneliness of the road, my first thoughts turning to my children and husband realizing i was okay... and then i looked behind me and my stomach sunk.  the truck overturned was also still... running through my head- who is in there, are they okay, are they alive?  i felt desperation and confusion.  shaking and sore i made it out into the windy coldness and connected the man swearing on the side of the road to be the driver of the truck.  my heart ached to think i had done this to him... i worried that he was hurt and mad... i was angry at myself for slipping past the sign and now our cars were sitting on the side of the road like useless wrinkled gum wrappers.  people so kind stopped to help and i stubbornly resisted when the police, firemen, and tow-trucks buzzed around us, until defeated when my husband finally arrived i withered into his arms and cried like a child.  that day i was out of my mind and felt under water, but the next day i finally broke through to the miracle and blessing that things had turned out the way they did.  cars can be replaced, but people cannot.  i let go of the guilt that i felt for causing such a wreck and i embraced the grace that my children were not with me, that the man escaped his overturned truck and walked away, that all i had were bruises and soreness... especially considering that my seatbelt wasn't there to catch me... i think angels were.  this experience, like all of life's experiences will affect the choices i make in the future.  never again will i drive without my seatbelt.  i will slow down further in advance when driving on ice and coming up to a stop.  i will listen closely to the quiet whispers to do this, or do that, when even at the time i may not know why that is the right thing to do.  i am so good at the art of worry.  but i don't want to waste my life on it.  it's situations like these that teach me that when i am face to face with a compromising situation i can choose whether to wallow, or whether to rise above and move along looking at any possible bright side there may be... and there is always a bright side.  some choices we make for ourselves, some choices come after we are handed something and then it is sitting in our lap waiting for a reply... how will you react to me, how will you carry me into the future, how will you survive this, what will you feel, what will your future attitude be?  thanksgiving meant more to me this year after the recent funeral and reflection over the life of chris' grandmother and this once horrific car accident. life, so fleeting, should be spent in progression from one roll of the dice to the next, lived in fullness and joy.  our families are our most precious possession,  nothing else matters.