Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Motherhood Glory

With such an outpouring of love and good tidings
about my motherly prowess
I have to set the record straight….
Lest I paint an all too perfect picture
of the Schofield household,
I’d like to focus on my “un-redeeming”
qualities as a mother today.
I was reminded of this as
I forced my second grader to change
out of his holey jeans into some shorts this morning-
and after I dropped him off to school
and he preceded to slam the van door
and then stick out his tongue full of frustration
towards the controlling lady in the drivers seat,
I was left with the feeling that no Sara,
you will not be getting the
“Mother of the Year” award any time soon.

The following was a true event recorded on September 19, 2006
ME-(just got out of the shower, very NOT ready to conquer the world- the phone rings, caller i.d. says public schools- panic...)
HER- "Is this Mrs. Schofield?"
ME- "Yes..."
HER- "Hello, we have a little boy here who says his tummy hurts..."
ME- "Ohhhh, ummm, I'll be right there to pick him up." (throws on clothes, ties up hair, attempts to salvage smeared makeup around eyes, grabs "the throw-up bowl"and races to the school)
ME- "I'm here to pick up Landon Schofield"
HER- "Oh yes- Marge? Is he in the bathroom? Actually, I think he went out to recess. He must be feeling good enough to play, but not good enough to work. He said he didn't have breakfast."
ME- (oh no you d'int! maybe she recognizes me from last year when I forgot to pick up the kids on half day- I'm so "Kid-Rock" in my stained jumpsuit and wet hair) "That's funny because he had eggos. I'll just go find him and feel it out"
ME-(stomping outside with Ollie in tow, scanning the playground for the sick-stricken culprit...his cheerful blur comes running toward me)
HIM- "Mom can you come back after recess is over?"
ME- "Landon, you look perfectly fine to stay at school. You can't have the office call me unless you REALLY feel sick!"
HIM- "But I feel like I'm having a baby!"
ME- "You are coming home, and laying in bed the rest of the day. By the way, why did you tell the ladies that you didn't have breakfast- remember your eggos?"
HIM- "Ohhhh, I forgot."
ME- "I was so worried I even brought "the bowl"! Never call again unless it's going to come out either end, do you understand?!"
HIM- (eyes toward the ground, the guilt insuing) "Yes mom."

Examples of my shining moments-
My kitchen is RARELY in pristine condition.
I OFTEN go shopping with
no makeup and a baseball cap on.
As much as I like cooking,
I REALLY like Little Caesers $5 pizza.
SOMETIMES my mama lion roar
can be heard in the surrounding counties.
I DON’T allow sleepovers.
When my kids turn in homework late
it’s USUALLY because I have not
followed through to see what
treasures lie in their backpacks.
I am often DISTRACTED by side projects
involving pretty paper.
I BURNED the magic squares last night.
And yes, we ate them anyways.
I have inherited the
in between my eyes.
Addy left this note for me
the other day on a post-it-
Dear Mom,
I ran away
I didn’t think
our family is fair.
Love, Addy
tell Tade I love him


I was going to post this hilarious picture
Addy drew for me of how mean I am,
but I can't find it.
I'd like to think she was feeling remorseful
about her hurtful illustration and
destroyed the evidence.
But to leave you with one final note....
And just in case I need to plead
my case, I wrote this letter
December 4 2005
Dear Social Services,
-----I know I've been on your list lately of stressed, frazzled, neglectful mothers of America. I'm sure it doesn't help that I dropped my son off to school an hour early thinking it was a half day. And I understand that it only made matters worse when the next week I forgot altogether to pick up my children from school and was 45 minutes late- again, I blame this on the crazy half day business. I felt a little beaten down when I rushed to school to get them and was given a note that Addy owed lunch money, they had not yet received Landons immunization records, and we had no working phone numbers....ouch. But I hope that you'll reconsider my case, and know that this temporary insanity is just a side-effect of motherhood in all its glory. Sure, I may let a droopy diaper stay on too long...I may give my kids cold cereal for dinner once in a while...I may even make Landon wear Addys underwear when I'm a little behind on the laundry.
-----Please hear me when I tell you that I believe I have many other redeeming qualities that set me apart from the other nuts in the world. My kids are not allowed to say "shut up", "fart", or "stupid", just to give you a few. I read them books, and have dance parties with them in the family room. I make a splendid broccoli soup, and everyday tell my children I love them. Today we were even on time to church and everyone was wearing their own underwear.
-----How can I ever forget the sinking feeling of failure and disappointment on that cursed holiday long ago. I dropped my daughter off at Preschool and entered the room to see that all the other girls were wearing cute green shirts and bows in their hair. Oops, I forgot that it was that torturous pinching day- St. Patricks Day. My sweet Addy was in bright red and orange- no traces of green to be found....and I forgot her class treats. The sting of that experience never let me forget another appropriately colored hairbow again, or treats for that matter.
-----The previous brief memory lapses or silly drawbacks are the things that humble me and keep me grounded. A good jolt back into reality is all I need to remember not to get lazy in the role that I always dreamt of having, that of a mother. I commit to you to teach my children right principles, mold their sweet spirits into greatness, and send them off to school with food in their bellys. Maybe I'll even have freshly baked cookies waiting for them when they get home... every now and then.
Yours truly,
Sara Schofield


Andrea said...

LOVE IT! That was hilarious!!

sami hansen said...


onesilentwinter said...

SARA-you win the woman of the year award for starters, then the funniest woman award and in my humble opinion any mother that leaves the house with the "throw up bowl" wins the Mother of the Year Award!
Sara you have me yelling YES YES YES than laughing so hard that tears are spilling out of me. If it is okay I would like to second sami comment by saying you are loved from me too!

Dad said...

Sara....I laughed until I cried....it's so great that you show you human side- you are a great mom. Look at it this way. You show your kids, like I did to you, that's OK to make mistakes and you aren't perfect. That's how we grow and learn! Love you-


sara - in my eyes girl your the shizzle! your word not mine i know i stole it. what else can i steal? cause i would like to steal about all of it .... your eloquent ease of writing witty brilliant words, your amazing nack to find unfound amazing music, your mind that encompasses and understands great literature and art, lets not forget your sweet spirituality, and last but not least the perfect way you mother .. there is no better way in my book. raw and real and like some days i have. thanks for being you!

Jaimie said...

I myself was having one of those horrible mother feeling days, so for Sara-the most perfect, soft spoken, loving, caring, fun, amazing, talented, creative, crafty, need I say more mother I know- to come clean, I really felt like I must not be to bad. Thanks!

lawdy said...

thank you for the comforting reality. it's encouraging! p.s. you look darling on your shopping spree in L.V.

Rachel said...

Oh, I needed that laugh so bad. I love you and miss you.

Lisa said...

That post made me laugh harder than I can tell you!

dia said...

Gosh Sara you are one "real" human being... no phony put ups with you girl. Nadia introduced me to your blog and now I check it every morning. It just makes my day.

Sara said...

Dia- I'm so glad you stop by- and thanks for the kind words. I just love Nadia! She is one talented chica! Take care, and come again!:)