Happy Birthday Toph

Yesterday was Papa Bear’s birthday
and this is how we spent the day-
*****
First, he got to sleep in as late as he wanted-
no interruptions, phone calls, or fires to put out.
I did his laundry (which he usually does)
so he slipped into his favorite t-shirt,

jeans, and baseball hat, and feasted on a

breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast with jam,
and a chocolate donut that he loves

from the gas station.
*****

A babysitting fairy came to watch the kids
so we jumped on his sweet ride

and rumbled into town escorted by

a parade of mean motorcycle dudes.
They led us right up to the pearly

front doors of Best Buy where
the store had shut down just for his birthday.
I gleefully bounced at his side

awaiting a descriptive explanation
of how every nerdy electronic go-go gadget works.
I was smitten by his intellectual capacity and
vast knowledge of anything containing

wires and a hard drive.
I hung on his every word like it was poetry
and when I couldn’t take it anymore,
I made him kiss me right there

in the video game aisle.
*****

After much geeking out we headed

over to the movies.
With popcorn, Diet Pepsi, milk duds,

and red vines in hand
we watched all three Lord of the Rings

movies after which Gandalf showed up

and gave us a magical ride on a dragon.
*****
We high-fived a couple hobbits,

shot a couple of elvin arrows
and then got a ride in a F14

to lunch with Bono in Africa
and talk over the peace treaty he was

hammering out with world leaders.
Depeche Mode was playing a gig

in the neighboring city
and needed a guitar fill in,
So Chris stepped up and did

what he could to lend a hand.
*****

On our way to the Alaskan fishing boat

that Chris was supposed to captain,
we ran into a semi that had tipped over,
so he used his super-human strength

and put it back in it’s upright position.
Surprisingly, the semi was filled with

rolled tacos, vanilla wafers,
perfectly fitting sweatshirts, eighties music,

skill saws, red clown noses,
and the two guys from MythBusters…

it was like a party on wheels!
The two guys from MythBusters invited us

to blow up some things
So we humored them for a while

and then decided it was time to
Get the kids, and celebrate as a family.

*****
We rode a couple of elephants,

found a cure for desmoid tumors,

created Call of Duty 5, 6, and 7,

and opened a new restaurant

featuring his famous recipe

for Orange Smoothies.
*****
The highlight of the day

should have been when
Hugh Laurie presented Chris

with the Nobel Peace Prize,
but he never really shone as bright

as when he invented a way to turn
left over concrete into

a renewable source of fuel

for our mini van.

*****
Good times were had by all.
Friends and family joined us for

a giant light saber duel,
Cookie dough ice cream, water fight,

and piñatas filled with presents.
It was a right regular Texan Fiesta.
And at the end of the day

we decided that we’d move to New Zealand
And establish our own town

filled peace, love, and rainbows.

*****

Actually,
he worked yesterday,
but we fit in some yummy Mexican food

from his favorite place in Grantsville,
and played some tennis as the sun set.
Addy made him this sweet poster

Things you may not know about Papa Bear-
His two front teeth are fake.

(knocked out rollerblading when he was 19)
He has had 10 tumors and radiation 3 times.
He cries at movies and commercials.
He wants to open a ranch for troubled teens.
He hates black licorice (I love it)
He worships my cooking.
He has over 200 LOTR action figures.
He can't swear without laughing.
He can fix ANYTHING.
A female news anchor wanted his body.
He is humble as pie.
He is a secret agent and super hero.

He's pretty much the best father

a man could be to his kids.

He's pretty much the funniest person alive.

He's pretty much the coolest person

I know on this earth.

He's pretty much the hottest man alive.

Here's to many more birthday's spent together forever!

I LOVE YOUR GUTS!!!