Wednesday, December 23, 2009

baby feelings


After eleven years of child bearing on my brain, actually thirty plus if you count all the years before that i was dreaming of being a mother, a decision was made between papa bear and i to close up my baby making shop. This did not come easy for me despite what people say..." when you're done, you'll know you're done." One second i felt done, my body felt done, my spirit felt done... but the next moment, thinking of ending my lifes greatest accomplishment seemed like a shakespearean tragedy to me. Even up to the day before the scheduled c-section, i was feeling emotional at the thought that my body would no longer have the gift of growing life and bringing a special spirit to this earth. I was puzzled and confused by my flip-flopping when just months before when i could hardly get out of bed and take care of my family, i swore under my breath that this would be our last child... i couldn't discern if my feelings were spirit whisperings telling me i wasn't done having kids, or if the feelings were just plain and simple sad feelings and nothing else. Chris and I shared many conversations comparing the dynamics of his smaller three child family and my boisterous fourteen child family that we grew up with... what would be the perfect balance for us to provide for and love... to give the attention and thoughtful rearing that they would need to become the best of their potential someday. I imagined having at least ten children until I actually started having children and realized that my body and spirit was not made for that. It has taken some humbling moments to come to terms with who I am, and not who my mom is or who my mother in law is. I couldn't have predicted that my first child would have to come by an emergency c-section, or that with each nursing experience I would battle with re-occuring mastitis. I couldn't have foreseen the type of world my kids would be growing up in, or the challenges they would come to earth to face. Part of what I was dealing with was a guilt that I was blessed with the ability to have children in the first place, while others struggled in this area... so who was I to not take this calling to the extreme and bring as many here as I could? Chris lovingly reminded me that despite the commandment saying we should be fruitful, that we are not the "Duggars" and I do not need to pop out twenty children. I am grateful and overwhelmed to have five wonderful children under my wings, and after much prayer and the partnership of a loving spouse, we know that there are many years ahead of us that will be full of raising our family in this new chapter.
While I was in the hospital after having Charlie I took in each moment and locked it away in my heart knowing it would be my last infant moment, knowing that the next time I experienced this miracle would quite possibly be with my grandchildren. I feel such an honored reverence that I am a mother and will be forever. I feel a sisterhood with all women, child bearing and not, that we were given special gifts of sensitivity, patience, and nurturing to attend to all the special spirits in this world.
To Addison, Landon, Oliver, Tade, and Charlie...
I cherish each day that we spend together in our home and I hope someday that you have been filled with enough light and knowledge and love that you will spread your wings and fly on your own.
I love you.


7 comments:

wilkinson_fam said...

Beautifully written, Sara. I pray that I will "know" when the time comes to put an end to my child-bearing years. That is one huge decision.

Kudos to you and your hubs, girl.

Nancy said...

That is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.

bri said...

amen.

i mean that with all reverence and sincerity.

sami hansen said...

Excuse me, who looks that beautiful after giving birth to their 5th baby?! You are so beautiful inside and out. I want to be just like you some day.

Rachelle said...

You don't know me. I'm a friend of Angela Davidson and she emailed me this link. I have had some of these similar internal struggles and she knew I could appreciate your post and I do. Thanks for sharing.

Danielle said...

This made me cry...

Karly said...

I have been struggling with the same sort of thing.. Thanks for putting it into the emotion and words that I needed TODAY! I know I can only handle so many and it's time to "close shop" with my next C. I LOVE YA!